Friday, January 13, 2012

The search is over

I awoke at 5am. Went back to bed. I had only gone to bed at 2:30 so I definitely needed more sleep. But I was troubled. I was still very tired, but not sleepy. This repeated itself every 30 minutes or so until about 10am.  Now I was not tired or sleepy. But I still could not get out of bed. I had no desire to do anything but just lie there and let my mind wander. My body felt like moving, but my mind convinced it to keep lying still on the bed.
This had become a repeated pattern over the years, and now was a lot more frequent than ever. Just lying there,  for an hour, sometimes hours,  my mind wandering from topic to topic. Floating all over the place,  but going nowhere at the same time.  Something was missing.
Then finally, this one time, I had to do something. Anything.
I got up and rushed out the door. I had to take a walk. There was a sense of urgency. Someone had what I had lost and I had to find it. Don't know why today seemed so urgent when I had known for a very long time, some thirty years or more, that I had lost it. But it was.Today was the day the search began again.
I had lost it. I don't even know when. I can't remember anymore. But these things don't just disappear. If somebody finds a thing like this, they keep it. They use it. I just had to get out there and get it back.
Somebody had it. I knew that. I also knew that if I saw it, I would know they had it. Even if I couldn't see it with the naked eye. I would recognize that they were hiding it and they would know that I know.
I made my way to the park. Passed an old lady walking her dog. We smiled and greeted each other. Nice lady. Nice dog. I petted the dog as he wagged his tail. He reminded me of my dog Velvet growing up.  She was always happy,always wagging her tail. She died when I was thirteen. That was a sad day.
But neither of them had what I had lost. Nothing there.
Dogs are just happy to play, to get attention,  and to eat.  They are simple. They don't need the item I lost.
The old lady didn't have it. She had lost hers as well a long time ago herself. I recognized that in her look. But she wasn't searching anymore. She had resigned herself to live without it. I wanted it back. At all costs. Time to move on. I kept walking.
Passed a few more people on the way back. Came up empty on the journey. So far, nobody had it. But I know it is out there. Somebody has it. And they were going to give it back.
It was noon now. The walk made me hungry. I had rushed out without even grabbing a bite and had walked for more than an hour. There was nothing to eat in the house. I made my way to the grocery store. At least if I didn't get it back today I was going to stuff myself full of junk food. That always placated me. Probably part of the reason that I stopped looking for the lost item was that I wasn't hungry enough anymore. That happens in life. We all have our vices and demons. The ones that distract us from the things we want and need. Junk food was always mine.
Walked up and down the aisles. I was here for the junk food, but I was still looking for my lost item. It was clear I wasn't going to find it here. It was like looking into the zombie apocalypse in here. Just blank stares and a whole lot of nothingness. Most of these people never had it and if they found my item they probably would never use it..or know they had it. I must have passed 20 people and there was nothing there. They weren't even looking. They were content to just placate in any way they could. They were like me, until today.
Gathered up all the usual items. Two chocolate bars, Two bags of chips and some gummy bears. The real fruit kind, not the cheap artificial stuff. I was now at the checkout.
I got Madge. Love Madge. She is always so nice and pleasant. She always struck me as a content person. She certainly didn't have my lost item. She didn't want it and if she had it she was the type to return it. Some people don't want or need that. She was one of those. I wasn't. I had to have it. I would never be content until I had it back. I had my taste and I wanted to get it back and taste more of it.
 As always, she asked me how my day was and how I was doing.
I couldn't tell her the truth. My day sucks. My life sucks. It has sucked big time for a long time. I lost a valuable item a long time ago and I was never the same since. How do you explain that to a nice little old lady cashier?
You don't. I said "Fine, and you?".
 She took my money with a smile on her face, as always, and I was back on my way home.
I pulled into the driveway and grabbed my bag of junk food. I headed for the door, but just as I was about to head up the steps I saw someone blocking the door. He wasn't going to let me back in my own house. Oh, and he had my lost item. He also looked very familiar, but I couldn't quite place him. Not just yet.
I stopped and dropped my bag of junk food. I was stunned. All this time I was looking for my lost item, searching through endless lost souls who clearly did not have it, and all of a sudden I was at my own front door and there was this guy who had it. Isn't that always the way? You stop looking so hard for it, and it just appears.
I pushed him aside. I was bigger and stronger than him. He was only 13 and didn't have the big strong build I did. He couldn't withstand my force. He had my item, and he protected that..for now..but he could not prevent me from going back into my own house and continuing on without my item. But to get back in, I had to leave the junk food outside..for now. I couldn't get in the house with it and I got the sense I didn't need it anymore.
I made my way downstairs, to the basement, and turned on my computer. No junk food. What to do? I decided to placate myself another way. Watch some videos. Distract myself. Anything to get away from the reality that my long lost item was now located but not recovered.
I decided to watch The Cincinnati Kid. Two hours. That ought to distract me enough to make me fall back into the trap and just linger as I had done now for some 30 years or more. I didn't know how to find my lost item,  but I was very adept at finding ways to not care about that.
I was ten minutes into the movie, when I looked to my left. There he was. The stranger at the door had followed me in. I don't know how he did it. I certainly didn't let him in and had closed the front door behind me. I was sure of that. I always closed those doors. That is how I survived without the item all these years. Closing doors made it easy to just get by. And of course, the junk food aided that cause.
I asked him what he wanted, since he came in to my house uninvited. He said he had my item and was going to give it back. I asked him why? And why now?
He said it was time. He was never going to give it back until he was sure I wanted it back enough to cherish it this time and not waste it. Leaving the junk food outside the house was the sign he was looking for. I had to want the item more than I wanted the junk food. He needed to see that. I had to make a choice and I did. He saw that. I wasn't going to get it back until I showed I would take care of it. Take better care of it this time. Cherish it and value it.
So that was it. I could never have it back until now because I didn't want it back. I thought I did. But I did not. He knew that because he was the 13 year old me who knew what it was like to want it. I might have been bigger, and much older than him, but he was the strong wise one...not me.
The search was now over. I had my passion, drive and desire back. I knew he looked familiar. He was me, when I cared enough to cherish the gift I was given and not waste it. Only then could I have it back.
He vanished, for good. He came only because I was willing to let him in,  and he left because I didn't need him anymore. I took what he needed to give me and he didn't exist anymore. That was his purpose. Now I had mine.....back.

Now I look into your eyes
I can see forever, the search is over
You were with me all the while


  1. love it ..... the reflection and the reminincincing and how you were in wonderment ... It was like you were in a time zone ...

    1. Thanks. It felt that way. Do I know you Julesies?