Monday, August 19, 2013

Not Your Bitch

I'm not your bitch. I never was. I acted like I was, but I never really was.
You got to me. Yes you got to me. Before I knew better. Before I knew how to stand up. I just didn't know how to be strong so I cowered to you, deferred to you and was dictated to by you
But now, from now on, for the rest of my time, I wont be your bitch.
Not anymore.
You wont control me.

No you wont.
You will not control me.
You will not dominate me.
You wont push me down.
You wont stop me.
Not anymore.
I am stronger than you and I have learned that you gain your power by convincing me. Convincing me that I should give in.
I wont give in anymore. Others give in. Gave in. Will continue to give in. I learned to give in from them. You can still torment them. They are still willing to believe. Believe that you have a power that you don't. I am past that point.
I still respect your power.
Understand it.
Realize it.
Accept it.
But I don't bow to it. I still understand your impact but I will control my own destiny. I gave you extra power. Others give you extra power when they make you more powerful 
than you actually are. You can still impact them on that level. But not me. I wont give you more credit than you deserve.
Yes, it is MY destiny. You can impact it but you wont drive it.
Not anymore.
I wont lie down.
No, I wont lie down.
And let you beat me into submission.
Not anymore.
I will take what you have to throw at me and I will rise up and fight harder. There wont be any pills. Or potions. No pills or potions. There wont be any lying down. No muting of my emotions. 
I suspect you will just go away. Just stop trying. Because I am not willing. I am not enabling. I am not facilitating your need to control and dominate me. 
Not anymore.

I have triumphed. You didn't break me. I have persevered.
You didn't even hinder me. I am stronger now. You only made my resolve stronger. I am withstanding you. You should move on to others. You should focus your energy on the weak. I am now the strong. You are wasting your time and energy on me.

I am not your bitch anymore. I wont be ever again. I never really was. I just thought I was. Which meant I was. But I wasn't. Now I know that.

So I am not.
Not your bitch. 


So I thank you.
For trying to make me into your bitch.

For now I know that nobody can.


Wednesday, July 31, 2013

Ghost of my ancestors

A leisurely walk to gather my thoughts in the dark of night. There were no street lights. No flashes of distraction. It could have been anytime. Now. Then. Before. Anytime. No context of time that we now measure time by. The calm of the still night prevailed. No noisy cars, no barking dogs, no screaming kids or beeping cell phones. All was quiet on the homefront.
I was lost in my thoughts. But there was no guidance. No light. No shining light of truth in the words that were bouncing around in my head. They were missing something. No context of relevance was to be found. I was missing something.
Then out of the darkness of night he appeared. On my left. Why on my left I will never know. I'm sure that meant something, but I didn't know what it was.
He looked directly at me. Our eyes met. He startled me. I had seen those eyes before. That frightened me.
A moment passed. We froze. 

He froze.
I froze.
A split second then passed as we were startled. He was startled. I was startled.
I startled him. He startled me. We startled each other.
Even when you are very close, the dark of night is a startling place to be when there isn't anything you can really see.
He retreated. I moved forward. He retreated further but watched me. As I moved past him. I watched him. He watched me. I couldn't see his eyes anymore.  And he couldn't see mine.
I tried to watch but I couldn't see. It was dark. The farther I went, the harder it was. He continued to watch me. The dark was a place where he excelled. For me, I needed the light to see.
I was on my way. But I was looking back for him. I couldn't see him, but I was sure he could see me. I looked back out of fear. He watched me out of suspicion. Our intentions were clear. As clear as dark can be. He trusted the dark. I still did not.
I was now far away. But my attention was back on him. Not where it should be. It was for him to watch me. Not for me to watch him.

As I looked back one last time he was gone. He was a ghost now. A ghost of my past.
Then, as I looked forward again. He was right in my face. He snuck up on me from the front while I was looking back for him.

Then he stopped. He meant me no harm. I meant him no harm. We both knew that much. It turns out, we already knew each other well. We had a long history. I was at his mercy, but he was showing plenty of mercy towards me.
And then he said what I needed to hear.
"Don't look back at what might be chasing you. Look forward towards where you are going to be. Don't look back at what was. Look forward at what will be."

He was the ghost of my ancestors past. I was the illumination of my futures present. We had unfinished business.
He was the ghost of my ancestors past. Watching over me.
He was just a raccoon. One among many. But he was chosen this night to encounter me. To watch over me. He wasn't just a raccoon. He was my raccoon. More than a raccoon. 
He was the ghost of my ancestors past. Still watching me. Still watching over me.
He turned his darkness into my light. I needed to see the light. He showed me the light. In the darkness of night.
I passed many raccoons that night, and every other night. They all just ran away and disappeared. Like raccoons are bound to do. Like they are supposed to do. Why didn't he do that?
He was just a raccoon. Or was he?

Friday, March 22, 2013

An ending that never had a beginning

I ignited your flame
Rekindled your fire
Like a flash of fire
You shot out at me

I didn't see it coming
It was the start of our fire
or was it?
maybe it was the end

I knew you were hot
bound to burn me
But I didn't flinch
I felt your sting

There was no pain
Your fire felt good
It tempered
the chill I had within

After you flamed out
You burned me
I was not cold anymore
So I felt the pain

It's like an ending that never had a beginning
It seems now like it is over
But it always seemed like it was over
Even when it was starting

As fast as we connected
We disconnected
If one of us latched on
The other was always pushing away

It was over as it started
It began as it was ending
it never seemed like there was ever any difference
they were the same thing

no start
no end
it went nowhere
as fast as it went somewhere

Now all I have left are scars
Burn marks to remind me
of where it started
and where it ended

the same place
It's like an ending that never had a beginning

Monday, March 11, 2013

Death Cannot Do Us Part: Still

 As your time now becomes short,  you are still. Peaceful. It has always been you and me, for as long as I can remember. But now one of us wont be here anymore. We will cease to be "us". But we will still be us.
You appear to be gone, but I know you are still there. You can hear me now, in your last moments. So, I say this to you because death cannot do us part. I will always hold on to you. Even still, when you become still, I will still feel your motion. Your emotion. Within my now still heart.
And now you are gone. To that other place. There is stillness. Within you, within me. Part of me went with you, so we are still together. Death cannot do us part.
I feel the stillness within me. You are still but you still radiate life. I know you are still there,  even though you are now still. We are still together because death cannot do us part.
Today the crowds have gathered. They see you, still. Calm.  At peace. I see your vibrant glow,  within. That part will never leave me,  or you. Death cannot do us part.
Every part of you still remains with me. We can never part. We are connected through death and life. Connected forever. A part that can never part. We never cease to be "we".

I promise you that we will always be us. Death cannot do us part.

Tuesday, March 5, 2013

What you don't see on the program. Road Trips.

Racing horses, as in life, is all about timing. You have good and bad streaks.

I had a good run one week with my stock. To my memory, the best week I had in harness racing as a trainer or owner. That came after a very bad run. I went a few months without making anything, when I thought I was setup to do very well.

I had 4 horses racing.  The two on Friday night, Buffalo Wings and Mac Ms R Nukes at Belleville, both won.  I sort of expected that, but you never know. It wasn't a lot of money, $1600 after expenses, but still a nice haul for a Friday night.

I had one horse in to go on Saturday night at Kawartha. Emersons Paradise. He always gave a decent effort, but he didn't always try his hardest to win. He was an honest nice little horse but he was short on desire. If things went his way, he could win. If he didn't have the luck on his side, I could come home with nothing. I accepted him and that for what it was. Mostly, at the end of each month he made enough to show a decent profit for my hard work to keep him at his best, whatever that was.
This night, I had the top driver at the track, Gord Brown sitting behind him. I knew Gord from around for a few years but he rarely drove for me. He always had his pick of the best ones, and I rarely had the best one in any race. For whatever reason he ended up on mine this time.
It was a perfect summer night.  Warm and breezy, but not too hot. The perfect night to race a horse. Friday night had been the same. I knew I had a decent shot to get some money, but as I said, you just never knew for sure with Emerson.
Gord had never driven Emerson before, but he was always one to ask about a horse before he drove them. That is the true mark of a professional driver. I told him he is perfect to drive, just put him in position and see what he can do. Whatever you do, don't hit him with the whip.  He hated that and would not try one bit if you did, which is the opposite of most horses. He understood and it was on to the race.
Gord drove a perfect race. Had him in perfect position to do whatever he could as they got to the top of the stretch. Even still, you just never knew with Emerson. He might just be content to be in the pack with the other horses.
 This was a soft field, and Emerson was at his best that night, so he had every right to win. Just at that moment he slingshot to the outside and pulled away from the field.  An easy winner. The weekend was going great. Three starters and three winners. Can't do any better than that.  For this win I got another $2500, so plus the Sunday starter who made about $700 I pulled in $5000. A very nice haul with the band of marginal horses I had at that point.

I had just come back from Sudbury two weeks earlier.  Sudbury had been a disaster. I took four there to race, and I stayed over for a month trying to make it work. It wasn't working. It should have been easier to make money there,  but it was not. My memory is that after expenses I actually lost quite a bit of money. After a while, I just decided to head back home and regroup. The Sudbury stabling experience was over.
It wasn't the first time I stayed over in Sudbury. The previous winter I had stayed over on Wednesday until the Sunday because I had the same horses racing on both days. That went much better and I came home with a good haul that time too. When spring came and Sudbury opened I decided I would try it for a month or two and see how it went. The travel back and forth was killing me and I decided to stay rather than go back and forth. Travel was always the worst part of the racing. It just wore on you month after month,  year after year.
While I stayed those few days in Sudbury that previous winter, other than wait for the second race, there wasn't much to do. I spent most of my days watching the off track racing from all over. I always liked to watch Flamboro because I raced against and knew most of the horses and guys who raced there.  It was really my first small time track I had ever gone to and had always kept my attention. The first horse I ever owned I bought there and raced at Flamboro.
On this winter day, I noticed a young horse, a 2 year old filly named Pop And Chips. She was nothing special, a so-so bred horse with so-so ability. But she did show some sire stakes races where she held her own. By December she was still a maiden and was floundering. That particular day she raced so-so and earned a cheque.
Being in Sudbury and racing there for a couple of years, I knew what type of horse to bring there to make money with. Racing maidens there was the easiest and best money.  I had just done that the previous summer with Buffalo Wings. Bought him cheap and raced him in a maiden race at Sudbury and made very good money with him all summer and fall there. I took note of Pop And Chips and kept tabs on her for another few months.
When I came back from Sudbury that next summer things only got worse. I raced Emerson at Flamboro on a nice Saturday afternoon and he looked like he should win, but he broke his equipment early in the race and had to be pulled up. It was a horrible run. In racing, as in life, you have periods like that. You just have to keep on trying.  I did.
The next weekend I won all 3 of those races, and was back on the right track. In Emerson's race at Kawartha was Pop And Chips. I had lost track of her while I was in Sudbury, and this was the first chance I had to ever see her live in the flesh. She was a very big strong horse, and reminded me of Buffalo Wings. Just like him though, she had started out as a young horse with promise, but was very down on her luck at this point. While Emerson had won that race at Kawartha, Pop And Chips had finished last.
The next week I noticed she was advertised for sale and I decided to come train her at the farm she was at, which was only 20 minutes away and see if I liked her.
I did, and I bought her. I had that $5000 and decided to put it to good use. As the summer went on and hit late fall, she made back what I paid for her and then some. She was no champion either, but was a nice solid horse like Buffalo Wings and Emersons Paradise. When Sudbury closed however, it got much tougher. It was the dead cold of winter and if she was to earn me more good money,  I would have to travel with her. This is the story of the incidents that happened with her as I traveled.
With Pop And Chips, it was always something. If it wasn't an equipment issue it was a travel issue. No matter though, through it all,  she made me good money.
Three traveling incidents stick out in my mind with her. On New Years Eve I had her in to race at Kawartha. I thought she had a legitimate chance to make great money and come hell or high water I was going get there and race. I put Mike McNeil on her. I knew Mike from Sudbury where he was the top guy. He had worn out his welcome there and was now in my area and looking for drives. He drove her great and she got third, and could easily have won with a shade more racing luck. He said he really liked her and she should be a good moneymaker for me. I concurred. I had liked her from the first day I jogged her and had high hopes for her. In the long run, she disappointed me, but so many do.
That New Years Eve day at Kawartha she made a $1000. That was the good part. Getting there was difficult but I managed to make it. Getting to Kawartha in any kind of poor weather was always an adventure. The roads were extremely hilly and you had to be careful going downhill and hopeful trying to get back up the high hills in the poor traction on the one lane roads. I managed. Some others didn't.  Many were in the ditch because they didn't take caution. That got me there, but not back home.
By the time I packed up and headed back, the heavy snow had accumulated. My truck was strong,  but had many miles on it. The steep hills were always a chore. As I approached the steepest one I gunned it as fast as I could so I would have some momentum to get to the top. I knew that if I came to a complete stop I was going to be stuck and it would be a long day.
I got most of the way up but the snow was very thick and I started to lose traction and speed. I was now near the top, but it was dicey to see if I would make it. I didn't know for sure, but I was just going to keep full throttle and try. Luckily, as I just seemed to be at a standstill, I had made it. But, not without a price. I had taken a lot out of my old worn out engine, and I knew it. I made it home without incident, but I was later to pay for that journey many times over.
Because she had done well and made me some money, I had paid Pop N Chips into a late closer series for young horses who had not made much money to that point. That was now about to pay off. She had improved quite a bit, but got to race with much weaker horses. It was still the dead of winter and the races were in London, which was 2 plus hours away, but I thought it was worth it.
By then, I had probably raced another 8 or 9 times with various different horses I had in training. The truck was wearing fast, but still running. However, the oil gauge did sometimes go to the red zone, due to the clogging of the filters at that point. I was always carrying extra oil and ready to change the oil on the fly if I thought I needed to.
I was only racing Pop N Chips this day in London, and started early. I had my reservations about going at all. It was a horrible rainy, slightly cold winter day. No snow but there were major traffic jams due to the road conditions. No matter what, I knew I could make good money that night and being brave, I was going.
As I got about 20 minutes away from the farm, the oil light went on and I had to pull over. The only option was to change the oil so I could have a safe worry free trip. I pulled over onto a side street and did that. Problem solved. The roads didn't seem too icy while I was out of the truck, so it appeared I was home free that night. I got back on the highway, but things were moving very slowly. That was no worry for me, as I had lots of time to get there.
Things moved very slow for about half an hour, but suddenly they picked up. I moved to keep up with traffic, but at a safe distance. When you drive a truck and horse trailer, you learn to keep your distance. I did.
As I began to pick up speed I was thinking this night was going to work out. In about 10 seconds, that all changed. The car in front of me stopped abruptly and I attempted to do the same. I had more than enough distance to do that. The problem was, the rain that was underneath the road had now just frozen and I began to lose control. I was about to hit the car in front of me when I turned to avoid him. I missed him, but now I began to spin. It seemed to take forever, like slow motion, but in reality it was probably only a second or two. Miraculously, I missed everyone and didn't collide with anyone. The trailer jackknifed a bit and I had spun around completely at least twice. It was still attached and had not been damaged. I got out and checked the horse.  She was upright, and she was fine. She was a bit nervous, but she was okay.
As I went around to check the trailer, I noticed one tire was completely flat and the rim was bent. A second tire was flat but the rim was fine. I called for help and already 3 police cars were there. I was lucky in that I had spun out into the divide for an off ramp and was out of the way of all traffic. The tow truck came and was able to change off one tire, but not the second one. The hope for the race was now over. I was never going to get there, and considering how much worse the roads could and would get, I was almost happy about that. 
Now, how to get home. Getting the trailer towed would be a tough proposition and very costly. I had that happen before and was not looking forward to it.
One of the policemen suggested I get off the highway and get it fixed.  He advised me that you could drive on just three tires with an attached trailer, as long as you were careful. Considering where I was and how this day was going,  I decided I would try it.
I went very very slow, and it seemed to work. Obviously you had very little balance and could not stop at all fast. So I took it slow.
I was now heading back in the direction home to the barn,  and as I went farther it seemed like a good idea to just keep going, slowly and try and make it home. To change the other flat with the horse out of the trailer, while it was detached, the next day would not be a hard thing for me to do. I went for it.
I drove very slow and stayed on the main roads and took the corners very slowly. After about an hour, I was home. Had to phone my wife and tell her what had happened, but I was safe, the horse was safe and the truck and trailer had no damage. It cost me the race, but otherwise things were okay.
I changed the tire the next day and I was back in business. Two weeks later, I was back in to race in London. It was a nice pleasant March day. No snow. No rain and not that cold. I had a good post and I was sure I was coming home with some good money with Pop N Chips. She raced well and I made another $2000. On the way home the oil light started to go on again. The truck was still driving good and I did have some oil if I needed it, but I decided to just keep going. As I got back to the city, I was only half an hour from home. However, a total blizzard hit and the roads were very snowy and deep, just like that. I had to keep gunning it to maintain my momentum. As I did that,  the oil situation got worse. I decided I had to get off the highway and change the oil. I did barely get off, but it was too late. The damage had been done. Just as I almost got to the gas station, the engine shut off on its own. I put more oil in, and it started back up. I decided to park it and let it cool down, then try to add more oil in a while. It was now 2am and dark. And cold. And snowy. I pulled out of the alleyway and was headed for a gas station to get more oil and a filter. As I got close, I started to hear a grinding and knocking sound. All the oil had been blocked and now the engine was empty of all oil. Just as I got to an intersection across the street from the gas station, the bang came. Metal on metal. The engine completely blew. I was luckily able to get out of the intersection and into the parking lot of the gas station, which was also a donut shop.
I parked and called for a tow truck. The only ones that would come would take the truck, but not the trailer. The horse was still inside, and I had enough hay to keep her busy through the night, but how was I going to get the trailer and her home? I didn't know.
I waited until 6am and as the light of the morning appeared, the tow truck showed up. It took that long because of the blizzard and all the accidents and people who got stuck. I had no choice but to detach the truck from the trailer and leave it and the horse there.
The tow truck driver took me and the truck home to the barn and one problem was solved, for the time being. At the barn, the barn owner loaned me his truck and I had to go back and get the horse and trailer. I did that. It was now 10am. It had been a long day and night. I got her back to the farm without incident and got my wife to pick me up with her car.
A few days later I took the truck to the shop and it cost me $4000 to get a new engine in it. All the money I had made on these trips was now gone,  and all I had to show for it was these stories.
Like I said, the back and forth of shipping horses was always the worst part.

It wasn't long after that when I decided to give up the training of the horses. I didn't want to make those long trips and the only way I could make money with the type I had was to do that. I learned very quickly that the long road trips are the worst part of the business. They end up in great stories (and I have many more or those) but they are no fun and very dangerous at times. Don't even get me started on the moose that go in my way at 1am on my way back from Sudbury one night.

Friday, February 22, 2013


I am so full
Yet so hungry

I am so empty
Yet I have no hunger

My mind drifts
And I feel the hunger once more

Not just any hunger
A mind distracting hunger

I must feed that hunger

Better to feed it
Than to be consumed
For the longer it goes
The more hungry I get
And If I don't consume
Then it will consume me

Better to feed that hunger
Consume before being consumed

I must feed that hunger 

And so, I finally feed the need
Though I know the hunger will return
Sometimes stronger than before
But If I feed the hunger

I will be full even when I am empty

Wednesday, February 20, 2013

Who Created Me?

 Part 1

It was Jacob's first day of school. As a son of Abraham, he was expected to go to Hebrew school and learn the ways of God and his religion. No, his fathers religion. He didn't adopt the religion. He didn't make a conscious choice to follow it or believe in its ways. That was done for him before he could think for himself. Now that he could think for himself, he began to ask questions. Not everyone wanted to give answers. Some did, but didn't have them. Not the answers that satisfied his appetite for meaning, understanding and true faith and belief.
He already had most of the family rituals down, so it was time to ingrain the theology that was the backbone of it all. The family rituals were easy. They were clearly explained and were justified based on mans interpretation of what God wanted and how he wished to be served. Again, only based on mans perception. God had never spoke to him directly. As far as Jacob knew, God had never spoken to anyone he knew, directly.

"Dad, has God ever spoken to you?" 

 "Well son, no, not with his voice. But with his actions. All that happens is because of his actions. And he created us. All of us. So we must just believe in him because of all that."

"Okay, but if he created all of us, who created him?"

"I just don't have the answer to that question. I am satisfied with the knowledge that he created us,  he looks out for us and he knows all. That is enough for me. I have no doubts. Neither should you. Just accept it." 
But Jacob was the inquisitive type. Always thinking. Always asking questions. Never satisfied with the explanations that most children were. He made his way to school. After a few days, he realized that all the teachers believed as his father did. And all the students were happy to accept that as how it is. They didn't have questions. And if they did, they were not going to ask them. At some point, they likely would not even bother with the questions. They would just accept it and become like his father Abraham. Was that so wrong? He didn't know, but he knew it wasn't how he was going to be.

  Part 2

After a couple of years, Jacob asked Mrs. Aaron, his first grade teacher some questions.

"Mrs. Aaron, do you believe in God?"

"Jacob, of course I do. How could someone not believe in God."

"Well, I can't see him. He doesn't speak to me. I can't touch him. He doesn't seem tangible. They say he created all of us, and he is responsible for anything and everything, but how do I know this is the truth?"

"We just know. There are no other explanations that make any sense."

"But what if you are all wrong, and just repeating the misguided notions of all that came before you?"

"I don't know Jacob.  I believe. We all believe. We have to believe. To question the existence of God is not something any of us want to do."

"Okay Mrs. Aaron. That seems logical. You believe because you can't think of any other way and so does everyone else. I will accept that."

But Jacob didn't accept that. Unless God actually spoke directly to him and could make his case, he wasn't going to buy it. But for now, he would stop asking questions out loud. Unlike other children though, his questions would not go away. He would just stop speaking them out loud.

  Part 3
The following day, Abraham was called to the Principals office to meet with Mrs. Aaron, Jacob and the principal, Mr. Bregman. The principal asked Jacob why he asked such in depth questions when the other kids didn't. 

"Jacob. You have so many questions. Other kids don't. Can't you just believe? It is a very good way of life we have. God looks after us all and we serve him. It works well for all of us."

"I wish I could Mr. Bregman. But I don't understand.  For me to believe, I must understand."

"What is there to understand?"

"If God created all of us, who created God?"

"Nobody ever asks that question Jacob.  We just accept that it doesn't matter and we don't need to know. We know that God created all of us and he is responsible for anything and everything we do. That is enough for all of us."

"I'm sorry Sir. It isn't enough for me. I want to believe. I really do. But I don't. Not without some clarity on the creation chain. It just doesn't make sense to me. I need it to make sense for me to truly follow and believe. I can't just accept that he appeared out of nowhere and no one created him."

 With that, Abraham took Jacob home. When they got there, he convinced Jacob to stop asking questions. Jacob agreed that it didn't do him any good. He didn't get any answers and only got grief. It was pointless. He decided to stop. He wanted to stop. But in his heart he knew he could not stop asking questions. That question of who created God would always be there.

 Part 4
He didn't know why,  but Jacob just knew he had to know the answer if he was to gain and maintain faith. As a man of unwavering faith, Abraham had no idea where this came from or what to do about it. They all decided to just let him be and hoped he would come to accept, blindly, as they all had. A few years passed. Abraham kept quiet about it all. He followed the religious rules, he pretended to believe. All around him thought all was well. They thought he capitulated like they all had. It seemed all was well.  Order was maintained. Questioning had stopped. True faith was persevering. 
Then Jacob became 13. He was now a man, based on the teaching of his religious faith. A man is now free to live and think as his own man. But he didn't feel like his own man. He felt as though he was a man on an Island. A deserted Island. An Island nobody but him wanted to live on. And nobody had any intention of coming to get him. If God was real, why did he create him the way he did to question him as he does? Wouldn't it be in God's best interests to have all believe and nobody question him? Sounded flawed. More like something like a man,  not God as he was thought of. God was not flawed. He was God. Surely, if he was God, he would not be flawed. How could he create others if he was flawed in the first place? If he was flawed and he created others, wouldn't all others be flawed?
But they were all flawed. All men are flawed. So maybe that did prove he exists. God created others in his own flawed image. Still no proof, or answers, but more possibilities to speak with God about.
His father told him to pray. So did others. Pray to God they said. He will hear you and will answer you in his own way.
Well, Jacob wanted answers. So, he tried praying. He was hoping that God would speak to him. He wanted a conversation. He wanted to question the source. If he really existed,  he wanted to hear it from him. Not second hand. If he really did exist, then he would shed some light on the whole creation theory.

"God, I am praying to you now. Am I doing it right?"

There was no answer. No response. Jacob thought about that. He thought to himself, 'I'm right. He didn't respond. There is no God'. But then he realized something. If there was no God, if there was no creation, how did we all get here? How did we come to exist? How and what and who determines what happens on earth? In the galaxy? In the afterlife? Was there an afterlife? Was God involved in that? Assuming there was actually a God, which he still didn't know for sure either way. He saw now why others chose to believe blindly in the concept of God and creation. If you don't have that, you have no answers. Nothing makes sense. Better to believe in the most flawed theory than no theory at all. It was easier to believe and ignore the possibility that it was wrong as well than have nothing at all to go on. There could be no faith in that case. That worked for them. It still wasn't enough for Jacob. But he understood better why they believed. They weren't him. It was enough for them. It still wasn't enough for Jacob.
Jacob now had no answers. He was more confused than ever. But he still had so many questions. If only there was a God. And if only he would speak to Jacob. He could at least gain some clarity.   

 Part 5

Jacob was now an older man. He had lived his life.  He had a wife. He made some children. He carried on. He still had questions. He never got satisfactory answers.  He did the best he could. Others just kept on believing. Jacob just kept on.  At times he wondered. But God never answered his call. Never spoke to him. He was now much older. Closer to death. He knew his time was short. It was then that God appeared. That is what he thought. He didn't go looking for him this time, God came looking for him.

 Part 6

God appeared to Jacob. It was in his dream, but it was still God. That is what he thought. Either way, this was his chance. He was older now and he would not have many chances left. His time was almost up. He was going to accept this as his chance and take it. And so he did. God spoke first.

Do you question me?
Do you doubt me?
Have I not always provided the guidance you seek?

I doubt you
I admit that
It all seems to make sense
But one thing doesn't

Oh one who is all knowing
One who is responsible for all that we see and know
I have a nagging question
How can you exist and be the first?

I want to believe
But my logical mind 
The one you supposedly provided me with
Tells me that it just doesn't add up

Tell me,  
where did YOU come from?
Who created you?

I am the great creator
I am responsible for all things created

I am undisputed
Except for the ones that refute my existence

But I have my doubts
For I have questions myself

If I am the great creator
Who created me?

I am with you. I don't know.
I don't remember how I came to be
I just am
I am not meant to know
Neither are you
This question will forever go unanswered
For it does not need answering 

I probably created myself 
that wont make sense to you

It doesn't have to
I created you
that I know for sure
It should be enough  

How can I be the great creator when I don't even know where I came from? 
Possibly, your collective want to have me created
created me out of nothing 
before I created all of you

Try not to think of me as tangible
As some reflection of man
Try to think of you as a reflection of me
not me as a reflection of you 

It seems to be a paradox
Chicken and egg

no end and no beginning
just a lot of middle with a direction 
both ways
but no real direction

but still, no you and some other before you
you came out of thin air, before there was air?  

what created me?
who created me?
where does it start?
where does it end?
when did it start?
why did it start?
how did it start?
Does it end?
Is there such a thing as an end?
Even if I had answers to these questions it would not give you or anybody else clarity
It doesn't matter so no one ever tried to figure it out  

Can the chicken create the egg that hatches the chicken? 
Where did the first chicken appear? How did the first egg get created?
I don't know
I don't want to know
I know this:
There was a need
A need for me
I was created to fill that need
How I was created is not important
Why I was created is not important
It doesn't enhance belief and faith

Someone needed an egg or a chicken so they could have an egg or a chicken
And one appeared so that the other could and then it could continue forever
the creation was for existence. Creation only happened because of the need for existence.  
You need me
You all need me
I represent faith
You need faith
Or you have nothing 

creation is not important
faith and belief are
if those that believe in me want to believe I am responsible for all creation, and that enhances their faith and belief, then so be it

You present some interesting answers
you present me with more questions than answers
if you are all knowing, responsible for all
then why don't you have all the answers?
If I am to have faith in you
to follow you
to believe in you
shouldn't you have all the answers?

Do I really exist?
Am I a figment of the creations imagination?
Is there such a thing as exist?

it is not important to know who created me
it is only important to believe I created you and all
the chain goes from me to you and forward
going backward from me is for the non believer
I cant convince anyone to ponder that
nor should I try  

I guess you are right.
I am doubtful
But only because you are doubtful
But I only think you are doubtful
You are not doubtful
It is me creating a doubt within you to fulfill itself within me
And in the end, it doesn't make me believe or have faith
Even if I gained the answer
Which I will not
So, now that my time is almost gone
I will just believe
That is all that matters
I will be less logical, and more faithful.     

 My son, that is why I spoke to you now
And not before
Because now you are ready to believe
Without logical terms
Because you see, there is no real true logic
There is only logic based on faith and belief
One cannot exist without the other.    

For my existence only depends on your belief. If you believe I exist, then I do. If you don't then I don't. I am not tangible. I am dependent. 
All the others have always believed in my existence because they wanted to. No more. No less. They believe they exist, so they have to believe I exist. There is no other way for them.
There is no other way for you. Or me. 
 For I am you. If you exist then I exist. And I have always existed as long as you have existed. If you believe you exist, then you believe I exist.
If I exist,  then I believed that I was created. Even if neither of us ever figures out Who created us.
We create our own evolution. Or creation. Or both. Call it what ever you choose. Either way, it exists.
 Believe in that. It is the only truth.