It was Jacob's first day of school. As a son of Abraham, he was expected to go to Hebrew school and learn the ways of God and his religion. No, his fathers religion. He didn't adopt the religion. He didn't make a conscious choice to follow it or believe in its ways. That was done for him before he could think for himself. Now that he could think for himself, he began to ask questions. Not everyone wanted to give answers. Some did, but didn't have them. Not the answers that satisfied his appetite for meaning, understanding and true faith and belief.
He already had most of the family rituals down, so it was time to ingrain the theology that was the backbone of it all. The family rituals were easy. They were clearly explained and were justified based on mans interpretation of what God wanted and how he wished to be served. Again, only based on mans perception. God had never spoke to him directly. As far as Jacob knew, God had never spoken to anyone he knew, directly.
"Dad, has God ever spoken to you?"
"Well son, no, not with his voice. But with his actions. All that happens is because of his actions. And he created us. All of us. So we must just believe in him because of all that."
"Okay, but if he created all of us, who created him?"
"I just don't have the answer to that question. I am satisfied with the knowledge that he created us, he looks out for us and he knows all. That is enough for me. I have no doubts. Neither should you. Just accept it."
But Jacob was the inquisitive type. Always thinking. Always asking questions. Never satisfied with the explanations that most children were. He made his way to school. After a few days, he realized that all the teachers believed as his father did. And all the students were happy to accept that as how it is. They didn't have questions. And if they did, they were not going to ask them. At some point, they likely would not even bother with the questions. They would just accept it and become like his father Abraham. Was that so wrong? He didn't know, but he knew it wasn't how he was going to be.
After a couple of years, Jacob asked Mrs. Aaron, his first grade teacher some questions.
"Mrs. Aaron, do you believe in God?"
"Jacob, of course I do. How could someone not believe in God."
"Well, I can't see him. He doesn't speak to me. I can't touch him. He doesn't seem tangible. They say he created all of us, and he is responsible for anything and everything, but how do I know this is the truth?"
"We just know. There are no other explanations that make any sense."
"But what if you are all wrong, and just repeating the misguided notions of all that came before you?"
"I don't know Jacob. I believe. We all believe. We have to believe. To question the existence of God is not something any of us want to do."
"Okay Mrs. Aaron. That seems logical. You believe because you can't think of any other way and so does everyone else. I will accept that."
But Jacob didn't accept that. Unless God actually spoke directly to him and could make his case, he wasn't going to buy it. But for now, he would stop asking questions out loud. Unlike other children though, his questions would not go away. He would just stop speaking them out loud.
The following day, Abraham was called to the Principals office to meet with Mrs. Aaron, Jacob and the principal, Mr. Bregman. The principal asked Jacob why he asked such in depth questions when the other kids didn't.
"Jacob. You have so many questions. Other kids don't. Can't you just believe? It is a very good way of life we have. God looks after us all and we serve him. It works well for all of us."
"I wish I could Mr. Bregman. But I don't understand. For me to believe, I must understand."
"What is there to understand?"
"If God created all of us, who created God?"
"Nobody ever asks that question Jacob. We just accept that it doesn't matter and we don't need to know. We know that God created all of us and he is responsible for anything and everything we do. That is enough for all of us."
"I'm sorry Sir. It isn't enough for me. I want to believe. I really do. But I don't. Not without some clarity on the creation chain. It just doesn't make sense to me. I need it to make sense for me to truly follow and believe. I can't just accept that he appeared out of nowhere and no one created him."
With that, Abraham took Jacob home. When they got there, he convinced Jacob to stop asking questions. Jacob agreed that it didn't do him any good. He didn't get any answers and only got grief. It was pointless. He decided to stop. He wanted to stop. But in his heart he knew he could not stop asking questions. That question of who created God would always be there.
He didn't know why, but Jacob just knew he had to know the answer if he was to gain and maintain faith. As a man of unwavering faith, Abraham had no idea where this came from or what to do about it. They all decided to just let him be and hoped he would come to accept, blindly, as they all had. A few years passed. Abraham kept quiet about it all. He followed the religious rules, he pretended to believe. All around him thought all was well. They thought he capitulated like they all had. It seemed all was well. Order was maintained. Questioning had stopped. True faith was persevering.
Then Jacob became 13. He was now a man, based on the teaching of his religious faith. A man is now free to live and think as his own man. But he didn't feel like his own man. He felt as though he was a man on an Island. A deserted Island. An Island nobody but him wanted to live on. And nobody had any intention of coming to get him. If God was real, why did he create him the way he did to question him as he does? Wouldn't it be in God's best interests to have all believe and nobody question him? Sounded flawed. More like something like a man, not God as he was thought of. God was not flawed. He was God. Surely, if he was God, he would not be flawed. How could he create others if he was flawed in the first place? If he was flawed and he created others, wouldn't all others be flawed?
But they were all flawed. All men are flawed. So maybe that did prove he exists. God created others in his own flawed image. Still no proof, or answers, but more possibilities to speak with God about.
His father told him to pray. So did others. Pray to God they said. He will hear you and will answer you in his own way.
Well, Jacob wanted answers. So, he tried praying. He was hoping that God would speak to him. He wanted a conversation. He wanted to question the source. If he really existed, he wanted to hear it from him. Not second hand. If he really did exist, then he would shed some light on the whole creation theory.
"God, I am praying to you now. Am I doing it right?"
There was no answer. No response. Jacob thought about that. He thought to himself, 'I'm right. He didn't respond. There is no God'. But then he realized something. If there was no God, if there was no creation, how did we all get here? How did we come to exist? How and what and who determines what happens on earth? In the galaxy? In the afterlife? Was there an afterlife? Was God involved in that? Assuming there was actually a God, which he still didn't know for sure either way. He saw now why others chose to believe blindly in the concept of God and creation. If you don't have that, you have no answers. Nothing makes sense. Better to believe in the most flawed theory than no theory at all. It was easier to believe and ignore the possibility that it was wrong as well than have nothing at all to go on. There could be no faith in that case. That worked for them. It still wasn't enough for Jacob. But he understood better why they believed. They weren't him. It was enough for them. It still wasn't enough for Jacob.
Jacob now had no answers. He was more confused than ever. But he still had so many questions. If only there was a God. And if only he would speak to Jacob. He could at least gain some clarity.
Jacob was now an older man. He had lived his life. He had a wife. He made some children. He carried on. He still had questions. He never got satisfactory answers. He did the best he could. Others just kept on believing. Jacob just kept on. At times he wondered. But God never answered his call. Never spoke to him. He was now much older. Closer to death. He knew his time was short. It was then that God appeared. That is what he thought. He didn't go looking for him this time, God came looking for him.
God appeared to Jacob. It was in his dream, but it was still God. That is what he thought. Either way, this was his chance. He was older now and he would not have many chances left. His time was almost up. He was going to accept this as his chance and take it. And so he did. God spoke first.
Do you question me?
Do you doubt me?
Have I not always provided the guidance you seek?
I doubt you
I admit that
It all seems to make sense
But one thing doesn't
Oh one who is all knowing
One who is responsible for all that we see and know
I have a nagging question
How can you exist and be the first?
I want to believe
But my logical mind
The one you supposedly provided me with
Tells me that it just doesn't add up
where did YOU come from?
Who created you?
I am the great creator
I am responsible for all things created
I am undisputed
Except for the ones that refute my existence
But I have my doubts
For I have questions myself
If I am the great creator
Who created me?
I am with you. I don't know.
I don't remember how I came to be
I just am
I am not meant to know
Neither are you
This question will forever go unanswered
For it does not need answering
I probably created myself
that wont make sense to you
It doesn't have to
I created you
that I know for sure
It should be enough
How can I be the great creator when I don't even know where I came from?
Possibly, your collective want to have me created
created me out of nothing
before I created all of you
Try not to think of me as tangible
As some reflection of man
Try to think of you as a reflection of me
not me as a reflection of you
It seems to be a paradox
Chicken and egg
no end and no beginning
just a lot of middle with a direction
but no real direction
but still, no you and some other before you
you came out of thin air, before there was air?
what created me?
who created me?
where does it start?
where does it end?
when did it start?
why did it start?
how did it start?
Does it end?
Is there such a thing as an end?
Even if I had answers to these questions it would not give you or anybody else clarity
It doesn't matter so no one ever tried to figure it out
Can the chicken create the egg that hatches the chicken?
Where did the first chicken appear? How did the first egg get created?
I don't know
I don't want to know
I know this:
There was a need
A need for me
I was created to fill that need
How I was created is not important
Why I was created is not important
It doesn't enhance belief and faith
Someone needed an egg or a chicken so they could have an egg or a chicken
And one appeared so that the other could and then it could continue forever
the creation was for existence. Creation only happened because of the need for existence.
You need me
You all need me
I represent faith
You need faith
Or you have nothing
creation is not important
faith and belief are
if those that believe in me want to believe I am responsible for all creation, and that enhances their faith and belief, then so be it
You present some interesting answers
you present me with more questions than answers
if you are all knowing, responsible for all
then why don't you have all the answers?
If I am to have faith in you
to follow you
to believe in you
shouldn't you have all the answers?
Do I really exist?
Am I a figment of the creations imagination?
Is there such a thing as exist?
it is not important to know who created me
it is only important to believe I created you and all
the chain goes from me to you and forward
going backward from me is for the non believer
I cant convince anyone to ponder that
nor should I try
I guess you are right.
I am doubtful
But only because you are doubtful
But I only think you are doubtful
You are not doubtful
It is me creating a doubt within you to fulfill itself within me
And in the end, it doesn't make me believe or have faith
Even if I gained the answer
Which I will not
So, now that my time is almost gone
I will just believe
That is all that matters
I will be less logical, and more faithful.
My son, that is why I spoke to you now
And not before
Because now you are ready to believe
Without logical terms
Because you see, there is no real true logic
There is only logic based on faith and belief
One cannot exist without the other.
For my existence only depends on your belief. If you believe I exist, then I do. If you don't then I don't. I am not tangible. I am dependent.
All the others have always believed in my existence because they wanted to. No more. No less. They believe they exist, so they have to believe I exist. There is no other way for them.
There is no other way for you. Or me.
For I am you. If you exist then I exist. And I have always existed as long as you have existed. If you believe you exist, then you believe I exist.
If I exist, then I believed that I was created. Even if neither of us ever figures out Who created us.
We create our own evolution. Or creation. Or both. Call it what ever you choose. Either way, it exists.
Believe in that. It is the only truth.