Thursday, April 26, 2012

Aint no stopping me now

I was hanging around the school, just waiting to play hoops in the schoolyard. I was an adult now, but I still loved to just shootaround or play pickup. Even if the kids were much younger than me, I didn't care. I still liked a good game of ball from time to time. In some ways, I have never grown up.  And...I don't want to. I am very mature and responsible, but I like to still be kid-like.
I noticed a bus outside the front of the school with kids gathering in front of it. Some began to board the bus, but it had been 30 minutes now and they had not left. I wondered what was going on.
A teacher was standing just around the corner, having a smoke, so I asked him what was going on. He told me they were waiting for the bus driver but he had not showed up yet. I said that was too bad and went back to shooting hoops.
About 10 minutes later I heard that the bus driver was not coming, at all. They would have to cancel the trip.
I said I wanted to help. I am always wanting to help. Even when I probably shouldn't, or don't know what is being asked of me, or if I am actually capable of helping, I want to try and help.
The regular driver backed out at the last minute, so they asked me if I could help. I had driven large vehicles before, so why not a bus? I said yes, I would do it.
For whatever reason, even though I was needed and supposed to drive the bus there, I did not. I was just a passenger. I don't know why it worked that way, or remember who drove the bus to that park, but someone else did. Phew! Half the battle was done. I had gotten myself in too deep, but at least I had a shot of pulling this off.
The kids ran off and played while I ate my lunch. My Uncle Stanley was there, and he asked me if I was still okay to drive the bus back to the school. He was now giving me an out. I could get out of this, and not have to face up to the fact that I was not qualified to drive that bus. But, I told him that I was okay to drive it. I was going to do this,  even though I shouldn't be doing this.
As the kids loaded back onto the bus, I surveyed the controls from the driver seat. How hard could this be? Yes, I had never driven a standard transmission before, but I had driven a forklift in the warehouse many times,  and that was standard, so I should be able to pull this off. Of course, driving a forklift in the factory meant no other vehicles, or pedestrians or even having to stop fast. I was only fooling myself this time.  I had no shot at pulling this off. We had to take the highway back to the school, and at top highway speed, I was in way over my head to stop properly if something happened. Hell, whatever! I had the emergency brake and if I stripped the gears, so what? I would just manage and bullshit my way through things, like I always did. That was always my way. Why stop now?
All the kids were on board, and Uncle Stanley was in the first seat,  first row, to my right.

"Lets go", and as he said that, I put it in gear, and we were on our way.

At least I could pull this part off. I knew how to engage a clutch and move from neutral to first gear. So far, I still looked like I knew what I was doing. We moved towards the road. Now, the first test, could I merge into traffic,  safely, and appear to make it look like I knew what I was doing? What if someone cuts right in front of me? Will I be able to stop? Am I foolishly risking young, innocent lives by doing this, just to be my stubborn self and prove that I can pull this off? Why am I doing this? What is wrong with me that I can't admit that I cannot do something?
Again, whatever! I said to myself. Worst thing that happens is I pull the emergency brake,  or slam on the brakes, and ruin the transmission. No one will get hurt. I can make up a bullshit excuse to smooth it over. I always could and I always have.
It's just a dream anyway. So, I will wake up before anything bad really happens anyway. And it is just a dream, nothing is real in a dream, just the doubts that you have when you are awake. That you can't deny or shut down,  or dismiss when you are dreaming.
 As always, before I had to deal with the consequences of my doubts about why it is I do what I do when I should not do what I do,  I woke up. I am sure I will have this exact dream again, or something just like it, and the cycle will continue. That is, until I deal with it when I am awake.  So far, that has never happened.
I am very confident and cocky when I am awake, but when I sleep and dream, I have all the doubts that everyone else has. Don't know what that means, but it is fact.
You can run really fast from the truth when you are awake, but the truth catches up easily when you are dreaming.

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