Wednesday, April 11, 2012

The Power by Mark David

You want it. You all want it. I have it. I don't want it.
I have never wanted it. I have no choice. It was given to me and no matter what I do, I cannot give it away. It exists inside me. I exude it. I am riddled with it.
I have tried to run from it, but it always runs faster than me and catches up. I know now,  I can never run faster than it. I have given up trying to do that.
Whatever I do, even subconsciously, you sense it. You see it,  even when I do not. I have no clue what you see, but it is evident that you see it. You are attracted to a moth to the light. I have it and I know that, but I cannot see what you see. When I look in the mirror I see nothing. I feel it inside, but I don't see it on the outside. But you do. It has consumed my vision to the point that I am blinded by it.
I am the light. I am the light of power that sucks you in, burns you, consumes you and leaves you weakened.
I have no access or control to the switch that turns off the power to the light. I am only the light, not the superpower that gives or takes away the power..or the light.
Would I want to give away the power that has been given to me? I don't know. So far, I have not had that option presented. I know I don't like having it, and do certain conscious things to block the access to the power by others. But that is only temporary.  I certainly cannot block it on a continuing basis. And like any other thing that is attractive to others but abhorred by the carrier,  over time it surfaces. Again and again and again.
I know I never wanted it, or wished for it, or asked for it.  I don't remember a time when I didn't have it, so it came long before I could have built a shield to resist it.  Now, it seems embedded inside of me. It made its way in easily enough, but it has no will or way to escape. It appears it is here to stay.
I don't want it, but I am fully aware of how to use it. I can make you do things,  want things, give me things, just from the power inside me. I hate myself for that, but I carry on using it. In many ways, I am evil for doing that. But I can't stop. I think having that power, being granted that power means I must use it. It is beyond my will to not use it. I suppose if I didn't, it would destroy me. So maybe it is self preservation and selfishness that makes me do with it what I will. Maybe. Maybe not.  I don't know. If I ever lose it, then maybe I can make a better assessment on a Monday Morning Quarterback basis.  In the middle of it all,  knee deep, I have no way of doing that. It is so consuming to have it, there really is no chance for meaningful reflection. Just as it is easy to say that the quarterback should have done X or Y, that quarterback only had split seconds to make that decision. It's a lot easier to figure it out after the fact. No pressure,  no time constraint.
You love it. I hate it. I have it.  You want it. Kind of seems like it is misplaced.  Like most things in life it has not found a rightful owner. Like most things in life, it never will.

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